What you say is what you get

Don't think about a purple elephant.

Don't think about a red rose.

Don't think about being sad.

By now you have thought about all three of the things I told you not to think about. Over the next few days I can bet you will either see one or all three of these things - and hopefully it will not be a real life sad purple elephant holding a red rose in his trunk! Let me know immediately if this happens!

Now let's do this make this exercise a little differently...

Think about winning a prize.

Think about being happy.

Think about the beach.

Could you see all three? Maybe you will now win a prize vacation to a beach resort where you will be blissfully happy! Keep me posted!

The point of this little exercise is to get you to understand the power of your thoughts and how your thoughts effect your reality. Your mind will create a vision of whatever you think about (or say) and often times what we think about is the opposite of what we want. For instance, if you say, "I don't want to be fat," your mind will zero in on the word "fat" and will instantly create a fat picture of yourself in your head and it will get to work on making your vision a reality. Your mind doesn't recognize the word "don't" - I supposed that if it did, you would end up with a fat picture of yourself with the internatioal sign of Don't on it - you know the one, a red circle with a line through it.

The key is to create thoughts and visions and use words that support what you "do" want. If you are fed-up with being fat, you will find much greater success in reducing your weight if you say, "I want to be thin," or better yet, "I enjoy being healthy and fit." If you want to improve your work environment, focus on thinking about the good things about your job, your co-workers and even your boss. Want to make more money? Focus on getting a raise instead of thinking about how poor you are or complaining about how you don't get paid enough. The key is to focus on what you want and not on what you don't want.

Here's some other common things we say to others that we should change:

"Don't fall" to "Be careful"

"Don't get sick" to "Stay healthy"

"Don't get lost" to "Safe travels"

"Don't be late" to "Be on time"

The old saying is true: What you say is what you get. Your thoughts create action and your actions create results. Go through your day consistenly thinking about your best healthy, wealthy and happy self and set about making it a reality!

Misery loves company

Part of my goal for quitting my job was to get to know my neighbors and acquaintances better and to spend time with family and friends. Over these past few months, I have been learning a lot about people around me – and I am learning it is not always that positive. I am realizing that some people, no matter how good they have it, will find ways to look for the negative side of things and then blow it up and impose it on others. Don’t get me wrong, this is not a new revelation for me. I have known and studied many people like this over the years, but when it hits close to home, being someone not too far removed from my immediate family, it still surprises me.

I just happen to have the opposite personality. I almost always look for the good in every situation and if something happens I don’t approve of or I disagree with, I either let it go and go on about my day or I try to voice my feelings in a non-condemning way and then move on with life. It is obvious that some people go through their day looking and waiting for something to latch onto that they can put a nasty spin on and then blast it out to anyone and everyone they can reach. Why? I don’t understand it. I get it, but I still don’t understand it.

I went to bed thinking about this last night and woke this morning with this idiom, “Misery loves company,” stuck in my head. Unfortunately, it is true that unhappy people like other people to be unhappy too. I suppose the opposite can be said about happy people as well. By nature, I am a happy person and I want other people to be happy too.

Admittedly, I am Pollyannaish (someone who seems always to be able to find something to be "glad" about no matter what circumstances arise - from the best-selling 1913 novel Pollyanna by Eleanor H. Porter), this does not mean I am naïve. I am fully aware there are many people in bad situations right now. I know we are in the middle of a terrible economic state, we are fighting wars in which it is debatable as to whether we should be engaged in, people are losing their jobs, homes, cars, illness and obesity is on the rise… Yes, there is a lot of sadness, death, destruction and devastation in the world – I know that. I also know that even at the lowest times, a negative attitude will only make things worse and a positive attitude can only help make things better or at the very least, tolerable. I have been without a job, I have been at a point where I could barely feed and clothe my daughter and barely had a place to live. I have had a car repossessed, my electricity shut off, all my money taken – I have been there. In each situation, I had to make a choice to stay positive and find a way out of it, or be bitter and wallow around in the self-pity. I chose happiness. I chose to look for the good. Even today, when things are good for me, I choose to look for the lesson in each situation and grow and learn from it. I choose to help other people find happiness and I absolutely refuse to bring others down or associate with those that try to bring me down.

If you are that person who is spiteful and imposes your anger and frustrations out on others, let me ask you – Why? What good is it doing you? Do you know it is making you look bad? Do you realize how shallow and petty you appear to others? Do you know that others feel sorry for you when you do mean and hurtful things? Do you know that you are creating your own misery? Do you know that you are alienating your family and friends? Ask yourself why you choose to be unhappy as well as impose your unhappiness on others, and then take a long hard look at yourself. Are things that bad in your world? Have you seen Iran lately? Maybe you should watch those Feed the Children commercials a few times. How about volunteering some time to work at a homeless shelter or public food kitchen? You need to get out of yourself and see that things are not all that bad. No matter how bad it seems right now, things will ALWAYS get better. It is the natural cycle of life. We have difficult times and we have prosperous times. Each low has a high. I believe we must experience the lows so we can appreciate the highs. I enjoy the highs so much that I strive to find the high in every day. It is there – and always will be.

Please don’t be the Debbie Downer in your circle of family and friends. Be the ray of light that builds people up and gives them hope. Find peace and joy in every stage in your life. Appreciate the moments of joy and accept sadness and defeat as a natural part of life. Refrain from forcing ill will upon others. Look for the good in every situation. Step away from the negative media and influences in your life and try reading something positive – and may I suggest you start with reading Pollyanna.

Boredom Reduces Happiness

Did you know that boredom could reduce your level of happiness? Yep, it can. Think about it. How many times have you completed a routine task or even made it through a portion of your day only to realize you don't remember most of it? It happens a lot, right? So, I have an assignment for you. Before going to bed tonight, write a list of five routine things you do every day that you will change for the rest of the week. It may be your route to work, the coffee you drink, your lunch spot or lunch time, or maybe even part your hair on the other side for a few days. Write down those five things before you go to bed and check them off each day you complete them. This task will require you to engage your brain more than usual thereby reducing boredom and increasing your likely hood for more happy moments in your day. Go ahead – shake things up and let me know how it goes.

Life doesn't have to be easy to still be happy

As we go through life, we will hit hard times and we will feel pain and sadness. Because we are human, we can experience those feelings and express how we feel.  It is important to understand that even at the worst of times, the happiest among us remain happy at the core.  What distinguishes a truly happy person from another not-so-happy person is the ability the happy person has to recognize the negative situation, own the feelings he or she is experiencing and then make a conscious decision to focus on those things that bring happiness.  Essentially, that person replaces the negative feelings with ones that are positive.  Some may think that the person who is happy when they should be in despair is delusional or does not want to accept their reality.  Your reality does not have to dictate your disposition.  If you are down and out and things are looking bad, by focusing on the negative and the gloom you are not going to get yourself out of the mess you are in.  You need to focus on remaining happy, and through your positive attitude, great things will come. 

Let me ask you this:  If you see two homeless people asking for money on the side of the street and one of them is being nasty and spiteful to those passing by, the other one is smiling and cheerful, which one would you be more inclined to help?  You would feel more compelled to help the happier one because that person is sending out a positive vibe and it will make you feel better to help that person.  Now, think about yourself for a moment.  If you are going through a hard time, your attitude and perspective on life and your current state will show through.  If you are positive and upbeat, people in the position to help will be drawn to you and will be more inclined to help you and your situation.   

You may not always have control of your situation, but you do have control of your emotions.  It is possible to be in a bad situation or point in your life and still be happy.  It is up to you to look for the good in everything and commit yourself to being happy even when things get tough.

Faith, Hope and Happiness

How can a person feel happy when the world seems like it is falling apart and cascading down around them and they feel like they are stuck in an avalanche unable to run? I know there are many people who feel this way right now. They feel discouraged, stuck, and paralyzed by fear. They are afraid of losing their job, their benefits, their home, car, etc. How can a person in a situation like that have any hope for feeling happy? There is hope and when there is hope, there can be happiness. The happiness I am referring to is not tied to the desperation and fear one is feeling – it is tied to the hope and faith that through the right actions things will get better.

There have been several points in my life when things looked bad for me. At one point, I went from having a housekeeper to being a housekeeper almost overnight. I could barely feed my daughter and I found out just how creative I could be with the small amount of money and resources we had. During that time though, I remained positive and happy. I could have been miserable and I could have gotten away with it. If I allowed myself to get down in the dumps, certainly everyone would have understood why. They would have been right there commiserating with me as I dug myself deeper in self-pity. For whatever reason, it never occurred to me to take the negative route. Instead, I decided to make a game out of the situation. Every time something came up, like a bill or a broken down car or an empty refrigerator, I would come up with a plan and I would get to working on executing it. As I faced numerous obstacles, I found myself laughing when I should have been in tears, because I knew deep down that this was only a test. I even repeated to myself the public service address, “This is a test. This only a test.” I owed it to myself and to my daughter to remain positive and determined to get us back on our feet. I fought the battles and I am sure I shed a few tears along the way, but at the end of the day, I went to bed happy and proud of myself for not allowing another situation to defeat me.

I knew things would get better and when I came out the other side, I would be stronger and wiser. From it, I learned there is nothing I cannot do. I stayed happy because sad did not appeal to me. Sad is not productive. Sadness deteriorates hope. Hope is what we all need to survive even in the worst of times. Hope is the light at the end of the tunnel and it brings faith. Faith is what provides us with power greater than us. I have always found happiness in knowing that everything happens for a reason and through hope and faith and a little hard work, I will pull through gloriously.
When life is throwing massive crap balls at you – you have a choice. Stand there and take the direct hits or do your best to dodge it. No matter what, you will get crap on you occasionally. When you find yourself in a mess, laugh it off and figure out a way to get out of it. Have faith that no matter how bad it looks right now it will get better. You will get through it. We always do.

Make the decision to be happy no matter how bad things are around you. You will gain strength in happiness. You will also draw the right people to you when you have a happy demeanor. Especially when you are down and struggling, positive and proactive people is what you need to help you through it all.

Through hope, faith and action you can get through the hardest of times and remain happy along the way. I know you can!

What is your face telling the world?

Have you ever walked down the street or through the supermarket with a million and one things on your mind and you realize you have the ugliest scrunched up scowl on your face? You know the look I am talking about. The kind of look that screams, “Don’t bother me; you may be my next victim!” It happens when you get so caught-up in everything you have going on, the tension mounts until you can feel your shoulders tensed up all the way under your earlobes and you notice the innocent fellow shoppers are afraid to make eye contact with you. Okay, so I am exaggerating just a little here, but you understand what I’m talking about, right? I don’t usually get that bad myself. I could though - I am capable of it. Aren’t we all?

Do you know how to prevent that painful, scary look? Smile. It is that simple. If you make it a point to smile at others, you will instantly feel better. I make it a point to smile when I am running errands. I do not like to run errands. Almost hate it in fact. In order to enjoy it more, I go out of my way to smile at others and even strike up conversations with strangers. It is about the only thing that makes the running around bearable for me. I get through my errands and find out interesting bits of information about others and before I know it, I am done with my errands. Lovely.

As you go about your daily activities, notice what your face is telling the world. Remind yourself to smile and make the best of every moment. This takes self-awareness and requires you to step outside yourself, but the rewards are worth it. You will find you enjoyed your day so much better and you may be preventing wrinkles while you are at it.

Smile!

Goal Setting and Happiness

Goal: Be Happy. Is it really possible to make “Be Happy” a goal? If so, how? I do think you can set happiness as a goal, just as if you would set a goal to attain any other worthwhile goal. To be fair though, the actual process of setting that goal may not be as easy as say, losing 10 pounds or running a 5k race. Before we begin the goal setting process, let’s explore some definitions and schools of thought on both happiness and goal setting.

Both Wikipedia and Merriam-Webster Dictionary broadly define Happiness as a state of mind or feeling such as contentment, satisfaction, pleasure, or joy.

Wikipedia defines Goal Setting as long-term vision with short-term motivation. It focuses intention, desire, acquisition of knowledge, and helps to organize resources. Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines a goal as the end toward which effort is directed.

Since happiness is a state of mind and the mind is ever changing, adapting and evolving according to our life experiences - so is our state of happiness. It is important to be clear that achieving and sustaining a constant state of happiness is all but impossible.

So, how can you set a goal to achieve something that is nearly impossible to reach? Well, you can start by setting a goal to achieve a higher baseline level of happiness than where you are today. According to research done by University of Minnesota, about 50% of one’s satisfaction with life comes from genetic programming or your genetic make-up. That means that your natural disposition to view the glass as half-full or half-empty is largely dependent on your genes. In working with depressed patients, Dr. Aaron T. Beck, President of the non-profit Beck Institute for Cognitive Therapy and Research, and University Professor of Psychiatry at the University of Pennsylvania, found that those who are depressed experienced what he calls “automatic thoughts.” He discovered that these thoughts seemed to pop up spontaneously and the thought content fell into three categories: negative ideas about themselves, the world and the future. Dr. Beck began helping patients identify and evaluate their thoughts and found that by doing so, patients were able to think more realistically, which led them to feel better emotionally and behave more functionally. The trick is to catch yourself having the thought, identify it as negative and then learn to change your distorted thinking to thinking that is more realistic. This requires consistency and a behavioral change.

This means that if your happiness baseline is naturally low, you can make it a goal to improve your disposition. It will take effort. If you are one of the lucky ones born with the glass half-full perspective, then you too can set a goal to enhance your level of happiness. You may be able to take it to a new level and set a goal to help others be happy. In either case, goals you are truly committed to achieving and you believe you can attain will be the goals you most likely will achieve. There is a catch – and that catch is that you must then do a minimum amount of work to maintain your new level of happiness. To continue to grow and improve you may also need to set new goals for yourself.

If you decide you want to set happiness as a goal, you need to define what success will look like once you have achieved your goal. This will require you to start with defining what your new level of happiness will look and feel like to you. Because we are all unique individuals, the feeling of happiness is different and distinctive to every person. That which brings joy or pleasure to one person may absolutely repulse another. Unless you have a clear vision of what you want, you will not achieve it. Since happiness is a state of mind, defining it may be the most difficult part of setting this goal. Some small examples of feeling happy may be that you find you have a more positive outlook on things or the ability to find the good in a situation even when others cannot. You may also find that you have a little pep in your step and more energy throughout the day. Being more engaged in what you do and finding ways to make your life feel more meaningful are other ways of finding an increased level of happiness. To help you with this exercise, you can also draw upon previous times or moments in your life where you could say, “I am happy” and then write down what about that experience made you feel that way.

Setting and achieving the goal:

If your overarching goal is to be happy - and you have defined what happy looks and feels like for you, then it is now time to bring it to life just as you would any other goals you set out to achieve. Here are six steps to help you get started on attaining happiness:

1. Write down your goal ‘as if’ you have already achieved it – This may require some creative writing skills, but the idea here is to write down how you will feel once you have achieved the goal. Example: I am proud of myself for the ability to remain positive and happy even when things around me are challenging.

2. Add it to your daily task (to-do) list - Recommit to your goal every day. You will find that your focus and efforts will become habitual over time and may not require the level of effort you have to put forth in the beginning.

3. Find ways to get more pleasure out of life – Do things that make you happy. If music makes you happy, listen to your favorite tunes daily. If your dog makes you happy, take time each day to play, snuggle or otherwise interact with your dog. If volunteer work makes you happy, find a cause you feel passionate about and schedule time to get involved. Whatever it is that brings you moments of joy – do it daily.

4. Post your goal where you can see it - Read it several times a day. Make it a priority and a habit.

5. Visualize it – Even reading the words happy, smile, and fun or seeing pictures of people smiling and doing things you associate with fun will immediately elevate your mood. If you have not created your vision board yet, now may be the time and make sure you incorporate happiness into your vision.

6. Review and evaluate your commitment to your overarching goal regularly - Remember, your goal needs to energize you. It needs to excite you. You will not put the work in to do something in which you are not personally invested. Goal setting requires motivation and personal investment into the achievement of the goal. Ask yourself if you are you committed, excited, and energized by your goal? If the goal is worthwhile, you will find a way to achieve it.

People who set goals are more likely to succeed than people who do not. Therefore, I believe that if you find yourself in a place in life where you desire a higher level of happiness, what better way to get there than by starting with a goal. You deserve happiness – you are worthy of happiness.

To achieve happiness, we should make certain that we are never without an important goal. - Earl Nightingale